From "I Have To" to "I Get To": How One Word Change Rewires Your Brain

What Neuroscience Reveals About the Hidden Power of Attitude

A little while ago, I was working with a patient who was drowning in the pressure of working for a startup. "I've got to do this," he kept telling himself about his meetings and deadlines. "I've got to prove this out." I could hear the contraction in his voice, the way his whole nervous system was clenched around obligation.

"What if you shifted that to 'I get to do this'?" I suggested. "You were hired for this job, not somebody else. Not everybody gets to work at a startup."

I had him play with that change in phrase for a minute. Even over our video call, I could see his shoulders drop slightly. He smiled. I could see a shift in his eyes from panic to possibility. I was witnessing how a simple single letter substitution - from "got to" to "get to" - was rewiring his brain's reward calculation in real time.

Here's what was likely happening: your brain runs a sophisticated reward-calculation system called the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC). The OFC is a reward processing center that determines how rewarding your thoughts and behaviors are. Every time you approach a task with dread, you're literally updating your brain's "value database" to mark that experience as unrewarding.

You: "This sucks!"

Your OFC: "Noted!"

But when my patient shifted to "I get to," his OFC immediately began recalculating the reward value of his work. Same tasks, completely different neural encoding.

Self-help gurus have been saying "attitude is everything" for decades. Most of us roll our eyes. Here's what they got wrong, and what neuroscience reveals about why at the same time, they were accidentally right.

The Neural Pathway Reality (Not Just "Positive Thinking")

Changing brain activity patterns isn't just about changing your perspective, or pulling out your positivity. You're literally rewiring neural pathways with every repetition. The brain doesn't distinguish between "big" and "small" tasks when it comes to learning. It's constantly updating the reward value of every experience based on how you approach it.

Let's use taking out the garbage as a case study. Taking out the garbage is seldom seen as one of the highlights of our day (Yay, smelly garbage, please can I take it out?). Here's where attitude becomes brain training: If it is time to take out the garbage and you do so with a bad attitude, guess what? You're learning to pair taking the garbage with something that you judge as bad or unpleasant. On the other hand, if you realize that you have to take the garbage out anyway, and don't see it as a big deal, you'll learn that taking the garbage out isn't a big deal. And it will be easier to do next time, and the next time, and the next time, and even when it's the middle of the winter or pouring rain or really stinky.

Ponder this: why do some people find flow in washing dishes while others dread it? Why can some individuals turn a mundane commute into a meditative practice (or at least pay attention more) while others hit autopilot or see it as torture? The difference isn't in the activity - it's in the neural associations being strengthened with each repetition.

Changing your attitude towards even the simplest tasks can have a huge effect on your life. Here's a saying that sums this up nicely:

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."

Why Willpower Fails (And What Works Instead)

That saying about our thoughts becoming our destiny is true not just for taking out the garbage, but for everything you do in life. Here’s what I see a lot of my patients run into: If, every time you start struggling with a habit loop, you think something like "not this again", or "I'm not going to be able to deal with this--this is never going to work," then you'll likely add a second unhelpful habit on top of it:

Trigger: Start to struggle

Behavior: Think it will suck (fixed mindset)

Result: Increased likelihood of it sucking (reinforce the fixed mindset)

Here's where conventional "wisdom" gets stuck in internet lore. Most people think this is about willpower - that you just need to "buck up," be strong, and power through. But neuroscience reveals something more fundamental: when you repeatedly pair an activity with negative emotional states, your OFC locks in that reward value (“oh this sucks”). The next time you encounter that trigger, your brain automatically steers you away from it or makes it feel more difficult. You're not weak or broken; you're working against your own neural programming.

Also, pragmatically, you can see that tough talk or fighting with yourself just drains your mental batteries. You'll have to deal with the original habit loop for a lot longer because you'll keep reinforcing both habit loops: the one you are struggling with, and the "bad attitude" habit loop.

Not a winning strategy.

Your Practical Toolkit: Turning Attitude Into Action

So if willpower doesn't give you the win, what does?

Here's the beauty of knowing your neuroscience and leveraging your brain to work for you instead of having to fight against it. And yes, it includes curiosity, my favorite superpower, as part of the solution..

Curiosity gives you a three-for-one deal: (1) the habit that you are struggling with becomes easier to work with; (2) you learn to let go of unhelpful attitudes (seeing that they aren't rewarding); and, (3) you develop the helpful habit of being curious (which is remarkably rewarding on its own).

Here's the step-by-step framework:

1. Catch the Attitude Loop in Real-Time. Start noticing when you automatically think "this is going to suck" before you even begin something. That thought is a behavior, and it's trainable.

2. Deploy Curious Investigation. Instead of trying to think positive thoughts (which often backfires), get genuinely curious: "What does this resistance feel like in my body? Where do I feel it? What would happen if I approached this differently?"

3. Map Your Attitude Patterns. Track which activities trigger automatic negative attitudes throughout the day. You'll likely find patterns - certain times of day, types of tasks, or emotional states that make you more prone to "this sucks" thinking.

You can even turn those thoughts and emotions into your teachers. Instead of getting frustrated that you're struggling, or not making faster progress, get curious. Since the thought or emotion is already there, you can use it as a way to explore all the different ways that you react to it – for example, noticing that you get frustrated, instead of getting caught up in frustration.

Trigger: Start to feel frustrated

Behavior: Notice the habitual reaction, get curious and ask, "What do I get from this?"

Result: See how unrewarding adding frustration is, and how much better curiosity itself feels.

The Science Behind Why Curiosity Works

I've written about curiosity as a superpower in previous articles. Here's how bringing playful curiosity is related to updating one’s attitude. I’m using playful intentionally here because it helps us bring the helpful attitude of humor to the situation. This helps us identify when we are throwing a pity party for ourselves AND THEN judging ourselves on top of it. Curiosity brings with it almost a mischievous smile as it surveys the damage we are doing to ourselves, seeing how the brain twists itself into a tight knot. When we see that the story we have in our head is really ridiculous or absurd, it's hard to take it seriously anymore. That is a critical moment of release: iit no longer has such a hold on you. This is what curiosity can help you do. It can help you pay much closer attention to what your mind is caught up in, and help you see how absurd it is that something sucks merely because you convinced yourself that it was going to suck. Then you naturally let go.

This realization can also help you forgive yourself for having set up that harmful habit in the first place. One of my patients had a great line she'd use when she mindfully paid attention to her anxiety habit loops. She'd simply say to herself (with a little chuckle), "oh that's just how my brain works." Another, reminds himself that its not his fault (it isn’t).

When you can observe your brain's patterns with this kind of gentle humor, you're activating your prefrontal cortex (the rational, observing part of your brain) while simultaneously reducing activity in the default mode network (the part that gets caught in repetitive, self-referential thinking). You're literally using curious awareness to change your brain state.

Neuroscience for the win!

You can bring that same playful attitude to any thoughts and emotions that come up. Instead of fighting against them or pushing them away, you can simply and playfully recognize them as thoughts and emotions. That's what the attitude of curiosity is all about. You can get really curious about those feelings and begin to track your habitual responses to them, so you can see how much they are driving your life. When you bring this curious attitude to them, they are much less likely to have the power they once had over you: you can see that they are just thoughts and sensations in your body. Yes, they may be driving your life for the moment, but they are not who you are. And when you can see that they are driving, you can learn not to give them the car keys in the future by having your OFC learn that they aren’t steering you in a good direction.

When You Might Need Additional Support

Now, let's be clear about scope. If you're dealing with trauma, or serious addiction, this approach works alongside professional treatment, not instead of it. The neuroscience here isn't suggesting you can think your way out of real neurochemical imbalances or trauma responses. Instead, it's suggesting that even small shifts in how you relate to your experience can create meaningful changes in brain function over time.

And sometimes we just have to acknowledge that whatever is happening right now is hard (without adding negative attitude fuel to the fire). Yes, often life is hard. And the only thing we can do in that moment is NOT make it harder by getting stuck in a negative attitude.

From Theory to Practice: A Real-World Example

Back to my patient with the startup stress. By the end of our session, he'd identified something crucial: his brain defaulted to worry whenever he hit unstructured time. Instead of fighting this pattern, we mapped out a plan to use those moments as opportunities for mindfulness practice, essentially structuring his "unstructured" time with curiosity instead of catastrophizing.

"My default goes towards worrying when I'm unstructured," he summarized. "Now it's like a fork in the road. Instead of worrying, I [can] go and practice noting." [a mindfulness practice that I teach in my programs]

He realized that this wasn't about eliminating pressure or pretending startup life isn't stressful. It was about changing his relationship to that stress through awareness and choice.

Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It

See if you can bring a kind, playfully curious attitude to your habit change process. If you notice you are getting afraid while working with a fear-based habit loop, or mapping out an anxiety habit loop makes you anxious, see if you can take a step back while taking a deep breath, and simply remind yourself that this is your brain trying to be helpful and that it's getting a little off track. If frustration, or some bad-attitudinal thought arises, see if you close down or get stuck in some fixed mindset habit loop.

Take a moment to map that out and see what you get from it, so you can learn how unrewarding it is, and start the process of unlearning that attitude. As you become disenchanted with it, over time, when the attitude pops up again, you can just notice it and see if you can remember that this is some crazy habit you've set up, and see if that simple act of being aware helps pop the old habit bubble, and supports a new attitude of openness and curiosity.

Your attitude isn't just a mental choice, it's your trainer at the brain gym in your head. Every time you approach something with curiosity instead of dread, you're literally rewiring your brain to make future experiences different.

And unlike willpower, curiosity actually gets stronger the more you use it.

P.S. Over the past decade, I’ve been studying how habits drive anxiety in the lab, and applying those insights every day in my clinical work. I’ve woven them together into a new program called Going Beyond Anxiety, where I’ll personally guide a small group through a 3-month journey. Learn more at www.goingbeyondanxiety.com.

—

Judson Brewer MD PhD is a psychiatrist and Neuroscientist. He is a professor at Brown University and co-founder of MindshiftRecovery.org which provides free support for people with any type of addiction. He is the author of Unwinding Anxiety (NYTimes bestseller), The Craving Mind, The Hunger Habit and The Unwinding Anxiety Workbook. If you’re curious to learn more, you can find additional resources at drjud.com.

Copyright © 2025, Judson Brewer, MD, PhD. All rights reserved.

REFERENCES

Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10, 410-422. doi: 10.1038/nrn2648

Arnsten, A. F. T. (2015). Stress weakens prefrontal networks: molecular insults to higher cognition. Nature Neuroscience, 18(10), 1376-1385. doi: 10.1038/nn.4087

Blanchard, T. C., Hayden, B. Y., & Bromberg-Martin, E. S. (2015). Orbitofrontal cortex uses distinct codes for different choice attributes in decisions motivated by curiosity. Neuron, 85(3), 602-614.

Brewer, J. A. (2021). Unwinding anxiety: New science shows how to break the cycles of worry and fear to heal your mind. Avery.

Brewer, J. A. (2018). Feeling is believing: The convergence of Buddhist theory and modern scientific evidence supporting how self is formed and perpetuated through feeling tone (Vedanā). Contemporary Buddhism, 19(1), 1-14. doi: 10.1080/14639947.2018.1443553

Brewer, J. A. (2019). Mindfulness training for addictions: Has neuroscience revealed a brain hack by which awareness subverts the addictive process? Current Opinion in Psychology, 28, 198-203. doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2019.01.014

Brewer, J. A., & Garrison, K. A. (2014). The posterior cingulate cortex as a plausible mechanistic target of meditation: Findings from neuroimaging. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1307, 19-27.

Brewer, J. A., Garrison, K. A., & Whitfield-Gabrieli, S. (2013). What about the "self" is processed in the posterior cingulate cortex? Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 7, 647.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Elwafi, H. M., Witkiewitz, K., Mallik, S., Thornhill, T. A., & Brewer, J. A. (2013). Mindfulness training for smoking cessation: Moderation of the relationship between craving and cigarette use. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 130(1-3), 222-229.

Garrison, K. A., Zeffiro, T. A., Scheinost, D., Constable, R. T., & Brewer, J. A. (2015). Meditation leads to reduced default mode network activity beyond an active task. Cognitive, Affective, & Behavioral Neuroscience, 15(3), 712-720.

Hofmann, W., & Van Dillen, L. (2012). Desire: The new hot spot in self-control research. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 21(5), 317-322.

Kringelbach, M. L. (2005). The human orbitofrontal cortex: Linking reward to hedonic experience. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 6(9), 691-702.